who's a super mom now?

Now that I have an addition to my family (aka: cutie-patootie baby) and money is a little tighter than before, I've been perusing sites catered to stay-at-home and working part-time mommies, looking for ideas to help make my money go further. The author of moneysavingmom.com is starting an "eat what you've got" challenge. Simple enough. Just try to use up the food that's in your pantry, minimize what you buy at the grocery, save money. I can do that. Of course my family can't do without a few staples, like milk, fresh produce, and fresh bread, but I would love to clean out my food cabinets and start fresh all over again. So, since goals that are written down are more likely to be actualized, here are my goals:

1. Start date: officially January 1st, but I can use up items in my pantry now, if I choose.

2. Duration: as long as it takes to clean out the cupboards. Afterwards the goal will be to maintain a pantry with a minimal amount of food to last through the week and/or month.

3. Output: make breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, desserts out of what we have on hand and only purchasing what is absolutely needed to supplement our meals (ex: eggs for breakfast but can also go with items on hand for baking muffins).

4. Cost: I know what I could easily spend, but let's say my goal is to spend no more than $50/week on groceries. I know that may seem high for a weekly grocery bill for two adults and an infant who's exclusively breastfeeding (solid foods around the corner), but I base that on two factors; a. my dad spend $100/week on groceries for 2 adults and 3 growing children (and this was only 15-20 years ago) and b. I want to pocket what we don't spend and put it towards paying off debt.

5. Exceptions: we should be allowed to treat ourselves. One meal per week either eaten out or as take-out. Cost of meal does not count towards grocery bill nor can it be pocketed towards debt goal either (since I could easily spend $10 - $40 for a meal out). Entertainment spending goal can be created at another time.

So, I'll do my best to document our progress. It seems like a good resolution for the new year and like an obtainable goal. Other goals for the year:

A. Save up for next Christmas. I've done this one in the past with a generally successful outcome. I save up all of the loose change we collect throughout the year and make presents for family members only and holiday cards for everyone else. This year I'm counting on the sentimental factor to help us out since we have a baby (ie: customized photo calendars or photo mugs perhaps?). A small item that can be massed produced will cost less than previous years gifts (food baskets) and shipping costs will be cheaper, too. The rest of the saved money will be spent on our daughter and anything left over will either be saved for the next Christmas or be used to pay off a bill.

B. Pay off 50% of our student loans. This is a big one, because the bulk of our debt (and likely yours too) is student loans. Damn me and my other for getting a college education and damn the bureaucracy for making obtaining a higher education so expensive. My other and I worked while going to school, had daily living expenses to pay, and ended up with a large bill to show for our combined 2 bachelors and 2 masters degrees. Once this is all paid off we can seriously save up for a down payment on our own white-picketed American dream.

C. Begin and contribute to a college savings account for our daughter. I want her to hold a part-time job while in school, but I also don't want her to be burdened with years of debt that will postpone other life goals that she will want to pursue.

D. Take mini-vacations with my family. We just got a Zipcar membership and we have big plans for the car. Staycations galore (well, maybe not galore, but hopefully once a month) that will include seeing local sites and events only accessible by automobile. Being stuck in the city can make one feel claustrophobic. Of course we will take advantage of what the city has to offer, but it would be nice to drive somewhere too.

Wow! What a long post. But what a big year we have ahead of us. I hope you have goals that you'll work towards in 2010. I say goal rather than resolution because resolutions are meant to be broken and goals are meant to be realized. Happy New Year everyone!

What nobody talks about regarding pregnancy

Constipation.

I suspect there's a good reason for the avoidance of this subject. I, however, can not find one. It's incredibly sad when you can not do a 2. My mother suggests coffee, cereal with fiber, and walking around. Good advice. What she does not say is that it's all about maintenance from here on out. Eat fruits and veggies that are naturally high in fiber, drink lots and lots of water, and add unprocessed wheat bran to your diet.

What does this have to do with pregnancy? Well, something else no one ever mentions about pregnancy; the birthing process. Though labor pains may feel like the absolute worst period cramps you could ever have, pushing a baby out is like trying to squeeze a watermelon out of your butt. In fact, when I was told to push, I was told to bear down and push as if I had a really big poop to let out. Yes, this may be disgusting, but it's the truth (let this be a warning for anyone who is thinking about getting knocked up). The consequence... constipation (I'll let you figure that one out). Not just in the immediate days following a birth, but potentially in the following weeks to come.

So boys and girls, the lesson here is an apple a day will keep the doctor away from performing an anal exam on you. Unless he's really cute and it's the only way to get a date from him. If that's the case then I really don't know what to say or do except shake my head in shame that I am openly your friend.

heard the news yet?

I'm sure all but the random person who reads my blog knows that I recently gave birth to a beautiful little girl. So, I'm not sure how often I'll be updating here, but I promise that I'll have rants and funny ditties that I'll want to occasionally share. For example...

I'm sitting at home, watching my other and my baby sleeping on the couch in front of me. I'm having a problem with a site that I'm trying to order from (it won't keep krap in the kart- and yes, that is an intentional misspelling, IPJ) and I'm trying to heal my very sore and very cracked nipples (yes, I'm being very blunt Isaac). I'm so completely heartbroken that I'm having problems nutritionally providing for my little girl. Pumping is a very very slow process right now, I'm feeding her almost every hour because she's getting so little milk, and I'm exhausted from the lack of sleep. It's so unfair and all I want to do is cry. I'm praying that it's not a serious infection and I am seeking the help of a lactation consultant. I hope it all works out soon. I desperately want her to grow up happy and healthy on breastmilk and not formula.

I've never felt so instantly in love before. It was a little different with my other. Several people in my life recognized that I was in love before I did and by the time I realized it it felt as if I was always in love with this person. With the baby, I look at her and I smile, perhaps cry a little (because I'm so happy), and shake my head in amazement that I was able to produce a miracle. I'm so lucky to be a mommy. Given my history with my birth parents, I feel a sense of pride when I hold her and drive to make sure I give her what I never received.

So in short, my love may keep me from writing often. I enjoy this blog community very much, but I absolutely adore my child.

anticipation

Warning to BB: Don't freak out when you read this post. Just don't... please.

Are we ready? Alright. I went to the midwife yesterday to get checked out because I'm a little past due and something happened to me that wasn't one of those things I was told to look out for. I hate when that happens. I got checked up the skirt and had a fetal monitor strapped to me for 20 minutes (I have a new love for Lauren J for being hooked up to that thing while being in labor). Suffice to say, baby's doing awesome, daddy's calm, and mommy's waiting for a big obvious sign; like an Acme anvil being dropped on my head or something close to that.

Sometime around 1am this morning I started to feel uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. Like changing-the-position-or-going-to-the-bathroom-doesn't-solve-it uncomfortable. Well, I am currently at home, still in my jammies, timing my frequent cramps. So far it's been inconsistent. For about half an hour I'll get the 30 second contractions ever 10 minutes, then I'll be 20 minutes without anything, then 30 second contractions every 5 minutes for 20 minutes. This might be Braxton-Hicks (aka false labor) contractions. Nothing to call the midwife about. (For those of you not in the know, true labor, more often than not, has a predictable pattern that begins with contractions that last for 30 seconds, ever 10 minutes, for an hour or more. The contractions then begin to increase in length of time and occur closer together as the baby nears.)

All I can think is: when will I start to notice a pattern? I wonder if I can take Tylenol for this pain? And, how can I get my hands on a big bowl of Pasta Carbonara? I might be more concerned with the pasta than anything else at this point. But that's okay.

Don't worry, as soon as I end up going to the hospital the phone-tree will begin. In the mean-time hang tight, cross your fingers for me, and will someone please stop by with a pasta lunch for me?

well, someone appreciates my gratitude

*Photo courtesy of Lauren J and the bean. Also, brought to you by the letter "A." Awwww.

banter, with a side of baby

The following is a text conversation that took place between IPJ and myself yesterday. The texts were edited to be legible (primarily because I'm a horrible speller) for the reader.

IPJ: Baby hat mach two finished. Are you free tomorrow? I'm done at 11.
me: Yeah, but I'm staying close to home. 1 cm dilated and 70% effaced. Can you make it out this way and I can meet you for dessert-lunch near the subway?
IPJ: Ew. Could we meet around 2 or 3 or is that too late?
me: No, that's great. Just let me know when you are available and I'll meet you. Does a Greek dessert sound like a good lunch?
IPJ: That's not code for eating like a pudding made out of your broken water is it? I'm going to try to shop for a bed tomorrow then head up to your area afterward.
me: Um haha no! Where would you get that idea (nervous laugh). Hope your bed shopping is successful.
IPJ: They just made that on Iron Chef. The secret ingredient was baby!
me: I bet it tasted like chicken.
IPJ: But like three times as expensive! Baby prices have gotten out of control.
me: I won't eat baby. Do you know how they're treated? Veal has a more humane existence than baby does.
IPJ: Oh please. Babies don't have feelings.
me: Pu-leeze. I see those commercials that have Sarah McLaughlin singing "In the Arms of an Angel" and the sad pitiful faces of the babies in cages.
IPJ: Left wing liberal propaganda. Those were probably her kids in a set up shot. If you don't support baby eating you don't support America!
me: Oh, just because I have an opinion that makes me a socialist.
IPJ: This was the best text conversation I've ever had. Also, I know you are but what am I?
me: This is soo going on my blog for the world to experience.

did you rock the vote?

I stumbled across an article in the Times about this past Tuesday's mayoral election. You should read it. I thought this would be a piece that would feed my loathing for a person who circumvented the law for their own desire. Instead, I ended up being as equally upset at someone else. The registered voter who does not vote. Note the percentage of people in this town who actually voted.

*****DISCLAIMER: The following is a rant. Read at your own caution. The writer of this post/blog is not responsible for any frustration or physical reaction you may experience while reading this post.*****

PEOPLE, you can't have an opinion about politics unless you participate in the political system. The most basic way for you to do that is to vote. Yes, your vote does count. If you took the time to register you should take the time to go to the polls. You think that not voting is a statement. You think that voting for the lesser of two major party evils is effective. Horseshit! This city does a slightly better than good job on informing and introducing candidates to the voters. I don't know about you, but I got a printed publication in the mail, for free mind you, that told me who was running for which office in my voting districts. Primary and general elections. For a group of people who like to get on tv and complain about their crooked landlords, how a business did them wrong, or what bad people the police are, New Yorkers sure don't like to take the time out to flip a few knobs or punch a few holes in a ballot, even though it's their right and responsibility to do so.

does this mean i'm one of your friends in low places?

Well, it's been 3 days since I've said something like, "No, I don't even have one ticket. If I had a ticket I wouldn't tell you the show was sold out, now would I." (sigh) I've been home, by myself, trying to prepare for baby. Last minute dusting and laundry and shopping. (ugh) Domestic duties.

So hard to get out of the routine that is work. I miss my co-workers who are also my friends. So I miss my friends. Alot. Who's going to call me around noon and say "What are you doing for lunch, preggo?" Who's going to try to talk to me through a wall? Who's going to sing songs about vegetables? Who? The baby won't, that's for sure. She'll be nice to me. She won't call me a dirty slut or a cheap whore or a nasty bitch. But I do miss those terms of endearment. I miss my other non-work related friends too. All of them. I just want to go out shopping, or to a restaurant for brunch, or to a play. I guess I'm preparing a life of friends coming over to coo and smile over the baby, of play-dates, of doctors appointments, of mommy and me classes, of mommy and me everything. I'm looking forward to it, even if my voice is the only one I'll hear for 8 -10 hours most days. (waaaahhh)

Please ignore my whine. The loneliness must be setting in pretty deep. Perhaps I should find one of these to talk to:

Naaa. I'll walk down the road of loneliness, but I won't travel the path of craziness. Yet. The baby and I will be just fine.

the truck of revelations

I've been meaning to post these pictures for a while. These were taken on my summer road trip.


Ah-hm, close up please.


Word.

there's a hole in your logic

The news is promoting lies... LIES I tell you!

Get a load of this headline I found online today: Foods that make you sad. It was found underneath this picture:


Now, let's get real. Have you ever encountered a donut that made you sad? A little feh, perhaps. But never sad. Glazed, powered, chocolate frosted, Boston cream, old fashioned, jelly filled, and all of the holiday inspired seasonal donuts like the pumpkin spiced ones that are out right now.

Who ARE these people that are allowed to put this rubbish online? If I saw them on the street I'd kick them in the balls, and then feel bad about the violence I inflicted, and then make myself feel better by getting and eating half a dozen munchkins. See, donuts do make things all better.

story time: peter and the [___]

This is how Erica, Kansas, Bbaker and I spent our afternoon.

Bbaker tells us that she doesn't know the story of Peter and the Wolf. I only remember the version that Disney created. Erica says, "why don't we look it up on Wikipedia?" Okay. So, I get online to look it up and begin to read the synopsis. Kansas says, "wouldn't it be funny if the duck pooped?" Yes, yes it would. We could read the synopsis like a Mad Lib.

I would like to share with you a brief telling of Peter and the Wolf. When you read the following passage, every time you see "[___]" please add the word poop, or the correct tense of the word poop.

Peter, a Soviet Young Pioneer, is at his grandfather's home in a forest clearing. One day Peter goes out into the clearing, leaving the garden gate open, and the duck that lives in the yard takes the opportunity to go [___] on the nearby pond. She starts arguing with a little bird ("What kind of bird are you if you can't [___]?" – "What kind of bird are you if you can't [___]?"). Peter's pet cat sneaks up on them, and the bird —warned by Peter— flies to safety in a tall tree while the duck swims to [___] in the middle of the pond.

Peter's grandfather scolds Peter for being outside in the meadow ("Suppose a wolf [___] out of the forest?"), and, when Peter defies him, saying that "Pioneers are not afraid of wolves", his grandfather takes him back into the house and locks the gate. Shortly afterwards "a big, grey wolf" does indeed come out of the woods. The cat quickly [___] into the tree, but the duck, who has excitedly [___] out of the pond, is chased, overtaken and gulped down by the wolf.

Pioneer Peter fetches a rope and [___] over the garden wall into the tree. He asks the bird to [___] around the wolf's head to distract him, while he lowers a noose and catches the wolf by his tail. The wolf struggles to get free, but Peter ties the rope to the tree and the noose only gets tighter.

Some hunters, who have been tracking the wolf, come out of the forest ready to [___], but Peter gets them to help him take the wolf to the zoo in a victory parade (The piece was first performed for an audience of pioneers during May Day celebrations) that includes himself, the bird, the hunters leading the wolf, the cat and grumpy grumbling Grandfather ("What if Peter hadn't caught the wolf? What then?") In the story's ending, the listener is told that "if you listen very carefully, you'd hear the duck [___] inside the wolf's belly, because the wolf in his hurry had swallowed her alive."

"rain, rain go away" or "john hughes is sage-like"

Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
- Ferris Bueller

Have you ever had a case of the Mun-days on a Wednesday? I don't know if it was the weather or if something was in the water or if there was no good side of the bed to get out of or WHAT! And I'm not even going to go into details. Today was just pretty crappy. And not just for me! My other's been having a bad day, too. WTF!

So, I left my baby-dr appointment this afternoon (by the way, things going well, no news is good news, baby still cooking) and I parted ways with my other at the Columbus Circle station. I was waiting for the light at 8th Ave near the Time Warner Building and looked north and just stopped dead in my tracks. The view of the south west corner of Central Park was beautiful, even in the gloom of an autumn drizzle. I can't remember the last time I stopped just to look at something in the city. The I walked over to 7th Ave to catch the N back home and I looked downtown. There was a perfect view of Times Square. Even from 57th and 7th you can see the New Year's Ball glowing and changing colors from atop 1 Times Square. Two completely different views only blocks away from each other and I remembered why I love New York. I felt better. So much so, that when I descended to the platform the train home had just rolled in, and someone immediately offered me a seat. That was fast.

I guess any day has the potential to be salvaged.

i think i'm uncomfortable by this

The following is an excerpt from Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. I dedicate this to Isaac.

On the afternoon before my son, Jon, was born, I was reading Ram Dass's book Be Here Now and feeling very centered and high with it. I remember I fastened on a particular word and meaning: surrender. I began having contractions and feeling big waves of energy moving. I visualized my yoni as a big, open cave beneath the surface of the ocean, with huge, surging currents sweeping in and out. As the wave of water rushed into my cave, my contraction would grown and swell and fill, reach a full peak, then ebb smoothly back out. I surrendered over and over to the great oceanic, engulfing waves. It was really delightful - very orgasmic and invigorating.

Sexy, huh? Isaac, if you decide that you want to have a baby of your own, I hope your yoni can surrender to the ebbs and flows of your labor. It'll be magical.

me want fresh brew

I am soooooo happy and excited about giving birth. We (now seems like a good time to start talking in the collective sense that comprises baby and mommy) have a little under 4 weeks until our due date. Which means 2 weeks preceding and 2 weeks following the magic day are my bumper "it's okay if the baby is a little early or late" weeks. I hope I have everything. Crib? Check. Diapers? Check. Blankets? Check. Food source? Double check. I think we're prepared.

For the sake of disclosure, I must admit that I, she who writes this blog, said out loud to my offspring, as I was rubbing my tummy in the area where the baby was kicking, "I can hardly wait for that latte." Uh-oh! Crap! What did I say to my child? I didn't proclaim I was anxious for her arrival. And I didn't tell her that I'll be relieved when I can hold her. No, I think I insinuated that I have a desire to have her out of my body so I can guzzle a coffee. Does that make me a bad mother? Can I take it back? Does she really hear what I'm saying? Damn! What if she can read my thoughts as I'm typing this blog?

Okay, deep breath. My unnaturally strong desire for a coffee will pass. It'll be fine. Until I meet my other at the Starbucks down the street from my obstetrician's office today, and I smell that Sumatra blend, and I salivate as I watch the barista make shot after shot of extra strong espresso, and then I climb over the counter (baby bump and all) and shove the barista out of my way, and start to eat straight coffee beans.

And after that, I'll really be okay.

keep it focused

Yesterday, at Lamaze class, the group watched a video of 3 different vaginal births. My favorite was a couple from Boston named Marge (I think that was her name) and Carl. Thick Boston accents make me laugh for some reason. That they had a focal point for Marge to rely on made me laugh for some reason. That their focal point was a 3x5 picture of their cat made me laugh even more. That Carl asked Marge a couple of time during labor, even while she was in the shower, if she wanted her focal point made me loose it.

After the movie, the Lamaze teacher told us a focal point was a good idea, but it should be something bigger, like a small poster. Well, imagine if you were in labor, and your partner asked you if you wanted your focal point and this was it:

Wouldn't you just slap them? Yeah, me too.

political damnation

Peeps, you have to remind me to mail out my absentee ballot application this week. If I don't get to vote in this year's mayoral election I might end up birthing a cow instead of birthing a baby. An' I don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' no cows!

Why does it have to be a tough decision this year. I don't want to vote for Bloomberg. I don't want to vote for Thompson. And I don't know who the other saps that are running are. I might as well exercise my "fill-in-the-blank" option. But if I do that, I'll have to come up with someone worthy of the office. But who would I want to wish that upon? I believe in civic duty, but anyone running a campaign for a major office has to be a little wack-a-do. Come on, who in their sane mind would really want to be mayor of a major city? Perhaps I'll write in the name of my sworn enemy.


Yup, you guessed it. That molester.

Elmo don't like political scandal.

fortune telling

I tried to put an embedded video on a response to one of Erica's posts. I was mentioning that I see a future for her and Beth as this duo:



Just like them, but without Maude.

all that funny

Faith, Beth and I are in the office. Faith begins to sing "All That Jazz" under her breath.

Faith: Come on babe, why don't we paint the town? And all that jazz.

She continues to sing. Beth joins in.

Faith: It's just a noisy hall, where's there's a nightly brawl. And...
Beth: ...all. That. Jaaaaaazzzzzzz.
me: Hacha!
Beth: Wookie!

i-scream, u-donate

Who wants to eat ice cream for a good cause? Put your hand down, Ian, you're already a given.

Cold Stone Creamery is having an Ice Cream Social for the Make-a-Wish Foundation. Thursday, September 24, from 5-8pm you can get a free 3 oz "Make-a-Wish Creation" (sweet cream ice cream mixed with brownies, sprinkles and topped with caramel) with a donation to the Make-a-Wish Foundation. And if you don't know what Make-a-Wish is you don't deserve ice cream. So be sure to go to their site, www.wish.org.

my optometrist thinks i'm crazy

I'm starting to feel that I have a a bit of a rep when it comes to these. Ah, well. It's what makes me unique.

The subject line of a recently received e-mail: Nighttime Protection for Expecting Moms

What I read: Nighttime Protection from Expecting Moms

So, keep your little ones inside and don't lurk in dark alleys. I might be after you!

what's that in the air?

Can it be? I recognize the sun. I see more blue than white or gray in the sky. But that feeling on my skin. It's a little... chilly. My brain isn't making sense of it. Can it be that fall is here already? Huzzah! I noticed that BB wrote about it recently, but I can't believe my own skin's sensors. Unlike BB, I prefer spring to autumn, but I'll take temperate light jacket weather over extremes in heat and cold any day of the year. I just wish it could be like that all of the time. Like how Florida is hot all of the time, but 20 degrees cooler would be nice.

Speaking of temperature, I was going through some pictures this weekend and last and I noticed a few things about my upbringing that's a little different. Not bad. Just... different. 1. in all of my Christmas photos, everyone in my family is always wearing t-shirts and shorts. Even outdoors. 2. there are few pictures of my mom (as she's the main photographer/archiver in the family) and everyone else doesn't smile much. 3. ... unless we are giving the photographer the middle finger. 4. I hate that my family is so far away. I don't want them living next door or anything. Just a day's drive away would be nice.

Anyway, what are you doing reading my post? Go outside! Enjoy the lovely weather. I promise you, right now, I'm outside frolicking and not inside reading your blog.

an opinion as big as my belly

I know the topic of politeness and pregnancy has been discussed by all of us. Especially when it come to being offered a seat on the subway. Do you, don't you? Why some people do, why most don't.

There was an article in the City Room section of The New York Times, posted this past Friday, regarding this very subject. You should read it. Not necessarily for the article itself but, instead, for the comments. Wow! There are some nasty people in this city. It only reminds me of my own, and still continuing, experiences being pregnant and trying to find a seat on the subway.

Look, I'm not blind, I'm not old, I'm not crippled, and I'm certainly not fat. I'm pregnant. And yes, it was by choice. But to all of you assholes on the N, the W, or any other train line in the MTA system, let me tell you this: You run past me for an empty seat. You stare at my belly for a period of time that borders on outright rude. You put in your earbuds in an attempt to "ignore" me. Your entitled attitudes towards a fucking seat for 3 stops makes you retarded. And I understand, being retarding is a disability, and not all disabilities can be seen. However, my pregnancy CAN been seen. I try to stick it in your faces while I "accidentally" step on your toes and firmly hold my belly when the train rounds sharp corners at fast speeds.

Just remember, especially you urbanized post-feminists in your Wall Street power suits who are quick to pass judgment on us preggos just because we want to be able to sit down, when you're pregnant (or when your wife, girlfriend, surrogate, bff, or whomever is in that physical state) don't come bumping into me because you're knocked up, your cankles are the size of manholes and it's sweltering outside. I'll be too busy holding onto my bundle of joy in her Baby Bjorn... while sitting.

revenge is possible

Elmo. Remember that creepy bastard? You know, the one who stalks around Times Square preying off of dumb tourists who shout "Hey look, it's Elmo! Let's get a picture with him." Remember? There's a whole army of Elmo's shaking up people who pose with him for money.

Well, thanks to a New York Daily News reporter and his cameraman, one Elmo will think twice before he waves at unsuspecting tourists. Friday night, in front of the Planet Hollywood, one of the Elmos was "demand(ing) money from people (for them taking his picture) and, when he didn't get it, swore and jostled them. "No picture. No picture. You have to tip Elmo. You have to tip Elmo or Elmo gets angry," he told one tourist as he tried to cover up the tourist's camera. One child who asked his mother why Elmo was in a rage was told by mommy, "That's not the real Elmo. That's a bad Elmo." During that same incident, Elmo was almost beaten up by a concerned citizen.

Luckily, a reporter and his cameraman from the New York Daily News tried to reveal the true identity of this impostor Elmo. Elmo, after an attempt to grab the cameraman's camera, justified his behavior by saying, "Elmo needs to make a living, too."

Poor Elmo. Perhaps Oscar the Grouch can council him in anger management.

pre-show scene

I'm walking east-bound in Chelsea to meet my other. We are on the phone with each other.

me: Hey, where are you?
him: Just standing in front of the theater, looking at this sexy lady walk towards me.
me: Ooo, well, that's nice. I'll be there soon.

A few seconds later, I notice my other, stepping forward with his arm extended, but he's not standing in my direction. I look ahead. He greets and hugs Marian Seldes. I stand by, in shock.

me: Well, if you would have told me that you were looking at a classy lady, I wouldn't be so disappointed right now.

no escape hatch to be found

How can it be possible that Friday is the dullest day of my week? Friday's are supposed to be happy and exciting and energy charged. Mine. Feh!

Summer Fridays at work. Half days for everyone except me and one boss. I've been answering phone calls about mailing lists, single ticket refunds, why our website sucks (and if you are one of those people in the company who defend the site, you have to get bitched slapped by reality- the site blows!), and not a sale to show for my 8 hours spent in a warm little room with no window and even less air circulation.

Not that I'm complaining. I am getting paid. I haven't gotten fired yet (despite my 'testing-the-water' efforts). I'm in good health. I shouldn't bitch.

But I can't help it! It's so freakin' dull. All of this free time just makes me think about all of the different ways that I'd improve the various departments of this company. And my at-work-with-me boss really doesn't like it that I have an opinion. So for his sake, please give me something to do!

*This rant was brought to you by the sounds "ugghhh!" and "arggghhh."

contents of a gumball machine: priceless

Okay, honey. Here's a quarter. You can either have a piece of gum, a bouncy ball, or a fake tattoo. What? What do you want? You want THAT?

Hmm, so you want to walk out of this store and look like a Village Person? Looks like we're going to have a talk with your father when we get home.

not enough rubber bands to keep my pants together

I've moved into the stage in my pregnancy where I'm at a fork in the road. Maternity pants or mumus. I'm no where near being an 80 year old Jewish-New Yorker who's spending her twilight years in Boca del Vista, so I guess the pants with with sewn-in belly pocket it is.

While out in the midwest on a recent vacation, my other and I did a little bit of shopping at a Target (you know, the ones where they are huge and clean and well stocked with the things you can by online but you can't buy at the Target in your local outer borough). I found the maternity clothes with no problem, right next to the plus size section (I felt better already). 6 racks of tees, tanks, dresses, jeans, shorts, and whatever. Thank goodness for maternity tops. Comfortable, roomy and fall at my hips. I bought 2. I would tell you about the shorts or pants that I bought, but they didn't have any in my size. Oh, well. I'll just try on line.

Back in NYC, I thought that I would try going to Old Navy for a cheap option or two. They used to have a maternity department that covered half of the 3rd floor in their 34th Street location. Sadly, according to my recon mission last night, it's been dwindled down to 4 racks of yoga pants, mumus and shawls to go over your mumus during the hottest time of the year.

Soooooooo, I guess I'm stuck with the internet as my only shopping source. But it makes me wonder what pregnant women used to do before you could buy clothes online? If nobody sells maternity wear or if they keep the absolute minimum in stock, would I be doomed to a summer of x-tra large shirts and leggings?

I swear, I did a double take

What I read on a neighborhood sandwich board:
Breast Burrito

What the neighborhood sandwich board actually said:
Breast Burrito

It really did say that! I stood there for a couple of minutes just to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me. Hmmmm, I want one of those, hold the nipple.

what consumes 80% of my free time

Have I told you about Thor yet?

How do I explain Thor and his presence in my life? Well, Thor is a ventless washer/dryer one barrel unit that my friend Steve and his boyfriend Kib gave to me and my other. They moved away from NYC to a place where washers and dryers are standard appliances with apartments (which is everywhere outside of NYC). Ergo, Thor was given to my other and I. Thoughtful.

The instructions that come with Thor explained how much clothing (by weight and fabric) can be washed or dried at anytime, that compartment 1 is for power detergents only and that compartment 2 is for liquid detergents only, and a long list of troubleshooting ideas. It does not tell you how the machine, once it is hooked up to a standard faucet, extracts and discards water nor does it tell you how to set up the dryer function of the machine.

So... after 2 weeks of admiring Thor (we weren't sure if we had the right faucet attachments and we needed some padding to help absorb shaking) we sat infront of Thor with our instructions trying to figure out the basics. After 90 minutes and some tightening of the hoses to prevent leaks, we hooked up hoses to the faucet, loaded in some dirty laundry, put liquid detergent in compartment 2 only, and started the machine.

It was magic. We watched it for spilling and other unforeseen problems. For 10 minutes, nothing.

The dryer... that was a different story. 3 hours, 3 HOURS and not a single sock had dried at all. I took out a pillow case and let it dry in the bathroom and it was dry in no time. My first thought, the next day when I took my wet laundry to the laundrymat to use a dryer, was how much would it cost to ship that piece of crap back to its original owner.

Alas, my other found some more troubleshooting ideas on the manufacturer's website that we're going to try this weekend. Hopefully, we will make it work and it won't be at a lost. I like the idea of my own washer and dryer but I like the idea of a working one better. I'll keep you updated.

I really need glasses

Advertisement slogan: Make babies your business

What I read: Making babies is your business

Yeah, well, only part time.

oh, sweet mystery of life

I have about 40 posts to write, as it has be for-ev-va' since I've last graced my presence on this blog. But here's probably the most important topic of them all to write about.

If you were a fly on the wall, in the box office on Saturdays, you would be privy to what has turned into a game (reluctantly of sorts and pathetically for sure) for Isaac and I. Let's call it What Should We Do for Lunch?. It's named after the exact start of our diatribe. "What should we do for lunch?" "I don't know, what do you want." "I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm broke." "Me too. And I'm so tired of all of the options in this part of town." "Well, I'm not going to that suspect Cuban place you like." "Yeah? Well, I'm not going for your Thai place. I don't really like Thai, and I'm not impressed them like you are."

And so on and so on. It has been know to go on for hours. Literally.

Menupages.com and Seemlessweb.com are searched until our stomachs start rumbling and then we either give in to a standard option or we go our separate ways.

May have I found a solution? A site where others have done the work for us, by informing us of generally affordable places with good food that are within a decent walking distance of work? Are my eyes deceiving me?

Midtownlunch.com. I have seen it once before, but never really investigated the site. Today I did. And, to my wonderment, I think I am finally happy. It's a blog written by someone who works in the midtown area (though I believe the writer is a little more east than we are) and was trying to help others navigate the crazy world of a working-person's lunch hour on a working-person's budget. Reviews and updates of restaurants and takeout places are posted, and everything is searchable either by location, name, or cuisine. Brilliant!

Are the days of our endless decision making, that has caused us to be lost in the jungle of midtown lunch options, over? Ask us later. But for now, let me bask in my discovery and in the hope that, after all, there may be hope for us.

reading IS fundamental

I need to be more patient and read a little more slowly in the future.

Actual acticle title: Hungry bear goes dumpster diving in Florida neighborhood.

What I read: Huggy bear goes dumpster diving in Florida neighborhood.

Huggy Bear. Remember him?

He's too fly to go dumpster diving?

too much information

The following took place today, at work, between 5:50pm and 6pm.

Woman at the window: I was in the bathroom, and I had nothing to read, so I read my ticket.
Me: (pause) That's nice.

can you tell me how to get the hell out of here

In a true story, the Sesame Workshop has been forced to reduce it workforce due to current economic realities.


It's easy to make a connection between unemployment and violence. I never would have guessed that it would happen on my street.

I always knew that Elmo stalking the poor New Yorkers who work in Times Square would led to more dangerous crimes. What a creepy bastard.

pictures don't lie

As found as the title of the lead article on the Yahoo Featured section: The Key to Losing Weight.

As found as the picture attached to the lead article on the Yahoo Featured section:

I was right all along, but never suspected others would agree.

choose a food

The following took place, today at work, between 3pm and 3: 25pm.

Shanel: (hanging up the phone) *sigh* People think they'll be in the theater surrounded by kids. "Where are the parents?" People don't use their lima bean.
Me: Lima bean? What?
Shanel: Yeah, they don't get it.
Me: Do you mean they're not using their noodle.
Shanel: Yeah, I meant to say that. But... lima bean.

to-day's to-do for to-morrow

I'm getting a head start on my list of tasks to accomplish tomorrow. They include:

1. working on one of a number of plays that I've been half writing for months now.
2. read a friend's play so I may comment on it with a questionable level of intelligence.
3. work (yes, it is a work day for me after all).
4. behave, behave, behave.
5. see immediately above and add "while being sober" after every verb.

I wonder how much I have ever accomplished off of any to do list. Perhaps the point is having your goals and desires out in the open. Perhaps my intentions will be realized if I know others are watching, so then next time they can say, "Tara, how's so-and s0 and whats-n-what working out," and then I can wallow a little deeper in my chronic case of embarrassment.

Perhaps it's a bigger issue I'm working on. I have a tendency to keep things to myself, and my lists, when I record them on my blog, are a small way of helping me towards expressing those things that would other wise be kept secret from everyone (6. remember to buy herpes medication).

While visiting my family recently, many people asked how I like it in New York. I said it was a little sad that I didn't have family nearby, but I was extremely lucky to have a very close circle of friends to make me happy. I'm very thankful that I feel close enough to those of you, who are regular readers, to be able to share what would not be on any list I would normally write.

winter tease

Proof of where I was this past week.

And I got to frolic in it, too.

More to come soon.

you know your addiction is noticable when...

...you are sitting infront of your computer, you almost spit out and choak on the coffee you are drinking, and your friend - who is startled that you almost sprayed your desktop with your morning joe - says, "Oh, you're watching 30 Rock. I understand."

p.s.a.

I ran across a video of a cartoon that I remember. It's a little weird, cause the site I found it on said that it never aired because the major networks wouldn't allow it on tv. But if that was the case, where did I see this? I remember it. Was it in school? Was it on a "best of..." vhs? I'll have to remember to ask my dad about it when I see him next week.

Anyway... here it is for your viewing pleasure. Despite it staring Goofy, the video has an important message, or, in hindsight, it did had an important message. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure that it's message was lost on my not so impressionable 8 to 10 year old self. I'm sure you'll note how outdated it is. Good luck with it.

international house of random smells

I'm not sure if I wanted this case solved or not, but I guess we can't go back to our ignorance any longer.

Remember that strange maple syrup smell that waffled (no pun intended) through the city, sporadically, over the last year or so? Me too, and yum! And, remember how we all said that the smell must have come from New Jersey, because New Jersey, as we all know, is the home to factories that make random smells and flavors that make you want foods that do not exist in nature? Me too, and yum again!

Well, are we at all surprised that we were right? Reuters broke the big story this afternoon. Hey, I know it's not a story fit for an episode of Murder She Wrote, but mystery solved, I guess.

I'm not sure how to feel about this. It's a little sad and bittersweet to me because I enjoyed the speculating. Is it a dirty bomb or is it a marketing ploy orchestrated by Mrs. Butterworth? Ooo, the excitement.

Somehow, what makes the radar under the "Odd News" section is, to everyone here in the center of the universe, part of what makes living in New York wonderful. I love the idea of telling my family and childhood friends about walking to the subway one evening and stopping dead in my tracks because I smelled pancakes out in the middle of Times Square, because that story will make them think I'm off my rocker. They won't understand. They don't have to. That just means more New York for me.

i need to get my eyes checked

Title of actual Associated Press article:

Assets of money manager's wife ordered frozen

What I thought I saw:

Assets of monkey manager's wife orderd frozen

Did you notice the difference? I didn't either.

christmas is early

It's a sign. Someone is telling me it's a bad idea to give up my habits this week.

COFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!. And not just any coffee. FRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE COFFFFFFFFFEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Want some? Click on this link for details.

Thank goodness for random internet searching.

payback

So... I took this quiz that a friend sent. The usual. Answer questions from a-e choices, each choice having a point value. Tally points. Then, using your total, look for your results. This was a "which cartoon character are you" quiz.

My answers included "a perfect date would include going to the movies," and "my perfect vacation spot would be Paris." Do you know who I ended up being compared to? Elmo! What the fuck! He's everywhere. First, the bastard cloned himself to infiltrate Times Square. And now this?

If anything should happen to me, I want someone to call the police and tell them that I've been stalked by a furry red monster. It may sound crazy, but I'm sure that he would be the only suspect in my disappearance.

leaving on a jet plane

In a little over a week, I'll be on a plane to South Florida. "Is it spring break already," you ask? Spring break is like happy hour for me I suppose some of you (Isaac, IPJ) will say. But no, I'm heading down to the land of the hanging chad to spend a few days with my 'rents. Or, as I like to call it, the 3 hour plane ride to Dante's outer circle of hell (which is limbo if you're not versed in The Inferno).

I hope it will be a chill week. I'll come up with a few talking points that I'll put on index cards to keep conversations going between my parents and myself. I have to make sure the following subjects are not on the table during my trip...family planning (in all forms), marital relationships (specifically mine), and theatre. I put in the last one because I know that's what my dad uses as a subject when he's trying to relate to me or when he doesn't have anything else to say and he's avoiding silence. Thank goodness I have basic Trivial Pursuit-like range of knowledge to say a little something about almost everything. On a side note, that's what makes me a good date at parties.

I will also be taking a day off from them to see my two bffs. I could totally use an espresso milkshake (there's a great coffeehouse in downtown West Palm Beach that has amazing shakes) and a girly movie with them right now.

One friend bought a new house and the other is in the midst of an out-of-state adoption. I shake my head in disbelief because I can't recall when they surpassed me in mental and spiritual age (ironically, I'm the oldest of the three). I listen to them talk about amortized mortgages and family law and I just nod my head in agreement to show that I'm listening, but I'm on the phone with them when I do that so they can't see me nod my head, and it's beyond my experiences and I have to stop ranting and typing like I'm a lunatic.

No matter what happens, and despite the 50 degree difference, I'll be very happy to come back home. After all, what happens there will stay there. Until I rehash it and cry about on my blog.

epidemic or another one bites the dust

There's something going around in my office right now. It's not a cold or the flu. Forget the Year of the Ox. This is the Year of the Fall.

First, Bbaker slid down stairs in her apartment building.

Then, Kansas twisted and shouted in front of the subway turnstile.

Next, my ass kissed the icy sidewalk.

Faith wiped out near the stage door.

And, now Isaac, inadvertently unleashed his inner sitcom leading lady.

To paraphrase Seinfeld... what's happening here!

Bbaker and I have been warning the others to take care and watch out for themselves, because they're next. And then we'll have an office full of sore selves.

And let this stand as a warning for the rest of you. Where ever there is black ice, your butt may be in for a meeting. Where ever there is a frozen snow patch, you may be doing the slip and slid on it. Be careful. It's out to get everyone.

i'm going to hell

I just lied to a person from the Department of Health. They called to do a survey regarding... something related to health, I guess, and asked to speak to the adult female head of the house. Which I guess it me. Like I ever considered myself adult.

Which proves my point when it comes to my interaction with the poor guy doing the survey. I told him that "my mom" was out of town for a couple of weeks and I was sticking around to watch "her dog." "Oh, I think this survey is only good for this week. When did you say she was coming back?" "In two weeks. Sorry."

I panicked! Oops.

belated birthday wish

Did ya hear? I'm sooooo excited, because something I wished for when I was 16 is finally coming true. Bono and the rest of his band are giving me a birthday present this year! I'm getting U2's new album! Well, actually, I'm getting it the day after my birthday. Oh, alright! I'm getting it for myself.

But it is the thought that counts, after all.

stalking muppet

Have you ever had one of those moments that made you suspect that you were in the middle of a movie? Yesterday, I left the office in Times Square and made the decision that I worked hard enough to earn myself a latte. As I approach Broadway/7th Ave on 42nd Street I saw some guy in an Elmo costume on the corner. I've seen him before, standing on the corner, waving to innocent bystanders, enticing tourists to take pictures. What a skivvy bastard. I ignored his advances and headed straight to Starbucks.

After getting my grande non-fat latte, I turned right and headed north towards the Virgin Megastore. Within one block, standing in front of the Toys-R-Us, there he was... Elmo, with his ridiculous shit-eating grin. Little punk was fast. Whatever. I walked by.

The next block, in front of the Planet Hollywood, is always filled with crowds of people who ohh and aww over the bright lights of Times Square. I tend to march through that crown, willing to run over even children just to reach my destination. To my surprise, the crowd begins to part in front of me, as if it were the Red Sea. There, in the middle of the crowd of people, stood Elmo. WHAT THE FUCK! How did he run past me with out me noticing? How could he even run in the costume? Was I imagining this?

I turned around to look down the block I just walked up and noticed the other Elmo standing there, waving at passerbys, with his stupid shit-eating grin. Turns out that there were multiple Elmos roaming Times Square. At that moment, the stalker movie in my head instantly turned into a horror flick.

who says trivia is usless?!

Funny thing just happened to me. Like, 5 minutes ago, an older gentleman came up to my window at work and asked me, "Do you know the show City of Angles?" I said that I never saw it but that I did know of it. Then he asked me if I knew who stared it in. "Yeah, James Naughton," I replied.

The guy looked like he was going to faint. I asked if that was the right answer, because I also knew of two other actors who were in the original cast and was ready to give him an alternative answer. Then he said, "Awww, Jimmy Naughton, Jimmy Naughton. Wait until I tell my wife. You don't know how many people I've asked that and they didn't know." How many random box offices up and down the Great White Way did he walk into just to ask that question? He looked so relieved to finally have the answer.

Then he asked when that show was on Broadway. I didn't exactly know that, but I did tell him it was defiantly over 10 years ago (before my great exodus out of Florida). I found out that he was a retired stagehand, who didn't work that show by the way, and just loved musicals I guess.

Point of the story. There is none. Except that I'm a Broadway nerd. And random trivia will always come in handy. Oh, and because that moment was a prime example of why I love New York. That experience would never happen to me anywhere else. Lastly, I love that show, too. And, why don't I own that cast album?

that's so 1999

Call me a procrastinator, call me behind the trend, call me for dinner, but don't, and I mean don't, judge me for finally liking a hit tv show that I refused to keep up with when I was 20.

All of a sudden, I'm all about The West Wing.


And all of a sudden, I've got a huge actor crush on just about everyone on that cast. I've always liked Aaron Sorkin's writing. As an actor, how could I not? Witty, fast paced dialogue with a simple yet complex and highly intriguing story line.

Because I don't want to get a head of myself, I should be cautious and say that I've only completed the first season. Perhaps by season 4 I'll be yelling at the tv and foaming at the mouth for having sat through the same monotonous bull shit that entangled me the first time Rob Lowe gave a monologue about the importance of schools being palaces of learning and how they should be the responsibility of the federal government (OMG that part was so sexy by the way).

Maybe I'll be happy that I finally became a devoted follower of an amazingly crafted episodic series. I over-cautiously lean towards me experiencing an eventual disenchantment because I vividly remember how I threw a shoe at my tv half way through season 3 of 24 because I refused to believe that for the 3rd day Jack Bauer didn't have to go to the bathroom or pull up to a drive-through for burger or something. I know, suspension of disbelief, and yada, yada.

Check back in 4 years when I finally have time for The Sopranos, Weeds, Mad Men, Lost, The Wire, etc, etc, to see if I've finally become a belated fan or not. I'm too busy watching 30 Rock to have time for anything else.

is 2008 over already?

Hey ya'll! I just realized that I haven't written in, like, forever. So, I want to start 2009 right by being a little more diligent on my writing (the blog, play, and anonymous letter-to-the editor sorts).

I guess I'll start by recapping last month.

As most of you knew, I went on a week long trip to Virginia with my other. I joked that I wanted everyone to wish me luck and pray that they don't see my picture on NBC's Nightly News, due to me potentially blowing my top and the top off of my other. Surprisingly, and I have to emphasize SURPRISINGLY, we got along great. Better than great in fact. It's as if we were... friends. Yeah, I know, it blows my mind too! It turned out to be a really relaxing and special trip for the both of us and we didn't ever want to leave.

And speaking of special... a few days after I came back home, I babysat a very sweet kitty-cat. Murphy!!! So cute, so sweet, and sometimes so needy. Murph's owners went away for the holiday and gave Murphy free-range of the house. Bbaker and I took turns stopping over to give Murphy love and attention and food. I was told that Murphy's regular m.o. was "play with me for a little while," then, "kiss my grits, I'm outtie!" Well... Murphy couldn't get enough of us. Play, play, play, that's all she wanted to do. Which was fine, I mean I can't blame her. I am irresistible after all. I can only hope that Murphy is back to her normal self for the sake of Kansas and Mookie.

New Year's Eve saw me, my other, my friend Jessica, a couple-set my other and I are good friends with, and their pooches. To make a long story short... weather was very cold, dinner was wonderful, wine was plentiful, dogs were entertaining, ball dropped, Jessica's only New Year's kiss option were two dogs she was allergic to (she opted out of a kiss this year), one of the dog's had a bit of an accident on my rug, owner embarrassed, mood subsided, guests left.

The next day, my other and i were invited to have dinner with a couple of friends of mine who live in a place in Queens I'm sure none of you have heard of; Glendale. I know Isaac complains about me going out to places in Queens that's not reachable by subway, but they are really nice people, the couple that invited us has a house to themselves, and we got there by a direct bus that went from LIC to 5 blocks away from their house. Did I mention that they owned a house, with a back yard (and you know how I feel about private outdoor space, right Josts)? I'm really happy that we went out there, and we had so much fun.

So, I think that's it. 2009 is going well. The best part is that I got to spend it, so far, with wonderful close friends and loved ones. That's what I'm truly thankful for. And I can only hope that I'll get to see the rest of you soon and you are in good spirits and health. Happy New Year!