big girls only cry in the gym

Today something amazing, embarrassing, and relieving (all at the same time) happened today. I take exercise lessons from a friend and today was a particularly long session. In the middle of an intense stretch my trainer said in a soft clam voice "let it go" (referring to the tension in my shoulders) and I started to tear up. I wasn't crying because I was in so much pain but because I was finally letting go of the tension. I was embarrassed for crying in the middle of a crowed gym, but was happy knowing that I was letting something out of my body that was hurting me.

I've always known that I bottle most of my emotions in. And I also know where in my body my tension lies. But I've never been able to find a productive way to release it. This experience reminds me of the deep connection between the physical and the emotional. It also reminds me that I haven't been taking care of myself very well in a while. I was raised to be stoic and depended upon by my parents to be responsible and grown up at an early age. So I know that I don't handle stress and confrontation in a healthy way. Between work and school and family, I'm spent. Most days I'm at a point where I can barely function normally. But today, my lesson was better than the 5 years of therapy that I've had.

Therefore, I need to give a big heartfelt and warm thanks to my trainer for being so kind, gentle and patient with me during our sessions.

Also, if anyone out there has any pointers, advice or tips on how to deal with stress in a safe and healthy way, please post.

a picture is worth a thousand... oh I'm so disgusted I can't even say it

Take a look at this picture. I found it on Gothamist under the heading "Ahmadinejad's Show Time at Columbia." The caption attached to the picture says, "photograph of Geraldo Rivera and various Columbia students." I traced the picture back to Flicker and found the following caption, "New York -- On the eve of President Ahmadinejad's visit to Columbia, Geraldo Rivera broadcasts his news segment live from campus." Got the context of the picture? Okay. Now, please tell me what's the worse thing about this picture. Is it:

1. that a fan club rallied for the Iranian President (as suggested by the big I "heart" Ahmadinejad sign in the background)
2. that Clay Akien made an appearance
3. that Geraldo is still allowed on the air. By the way, if it wasn't for the trademark furry creature above his lip I wouldn't be able to pick him out of a crowd... unless he drew a map to disclose his secret location on the Columbia University campus
4. or that there's a girl in the foreground (and don't pretend like you don't notice the genius in the jogging shorts) who looks like she's trying to be the Monica Lewinsky of the Middle East (can't you see the passion in her eyes?)

I can't decide.

I'm not going to hop on my soapbox about how much I loath a person like Ahmadinejad-a-ding-dong. Nor am I going to rant about how much of a tool I think Geraldo Rivera is. However, there is such a thing as the 1st Amendment and there is also such a thing as not listening to someone you dislike or disagree with. There is also taste, tack, sincerity, common sense, and morality. But I'm going to give you all two words... PUBLICITY STUNT. On the parts of both Pres. ding-dong and the man with the dead squirrel on his face. I think this stunt would have been just as, if not more, productive if both of those men ran naked, hand-in-hand, accross 42nd Street. Just a thought.

i'm on a mental vacation right now

a funny thing happened on the way to the blog

So, I was checking out ipj's blog, and btw here is the latest installment of the frosting fight, anyway, after reading the lastest post I decided to click on the "next blog" link that is above everyone's blog. Well... the next blog after ipj's is titled Mature Fetish. Snazzy name. Then, immediately, a pop-up ad appeared for the Snaatch Gallery. Now I know what you are thinking. Why are there two a's in Snaatch? Did that drunk bitch forget proofread her entry again? If only!

Anyway, don't get your hopes up, horndogs. Mature Fetish turned out to be pretty dull. Previous posts include "Training Voice Activated Software" and "A Better Way to Solve a Temper Tantrum." Also, it turns out the the "next blog" feature is random. I went back to ipj's blog, clicked "next blog," and found one titled Beautiful Lies that featured lots of pictures of sticky, gooey, sugar-laden donuts. I actually like that title. I think that I'll name my cupcakes that from now on. Mmmmmm. Sweet weekly beautiful lies.

today's to-do list

1. homework
2. laundry
3. clean out the fridge
4. make bread pudding from left over bread (yum)
5. tidy up the apartment
6. sip on a cup of tea while thinking about what part of the apartment I should tidy up first
7. work on crafts (I can't tell you what they are, it's a suprise for the holidays)
8. think up ideas for a research proposal (any ideas out there?)
9. work on my storage closet (damn storage closet!)
10. write a blog post while putting of all of the above

how many years does it take to complete a 4 year degree?

Recently, my boss asked me how long do I have before I am done with school. Done for real?" I asked in reply. "Yes." I was happy to reply that come June 2008 I will be a college graduate. But then I thought of how long it took me to get this far, and I became a little depressed. By the time I graduate, it will have only taken me 11 years to complete a bachelors of art degree. Well, technically it took me 6 years of actually taking classes and 5 years of thinking about why I don't need a degree and then later realizing that I can barely get a job with out a degree.

Anyway, this brings me to the question of what to do when I grow up. Was college worth it? Should I continue onto a masters degree? Should I take another break and do "something" with my life? Do I want to start a family at this time? I see so many possibilities and see what has happened to the people before me and around me. I see some people who are doing exactly what they want to do and are happy. I see people who picked whatever and stick with it because of responsibilities. The 5 years of "soul-searching," or whatever that was, brought me to New York from a life that I felt was going nowhere because there was something inside of me that needed a new direction. And alot of things changed in my life since my move here. But now I feel that I am not on track or that I don't have a goal. I feel like I've come full circle with the me of 7 years ago. Makes sense. I've heard somewhere that every cell in a person's body changes every 7 years.

i fall for autumn

Oh how I love the signs of fall. Crisp chill in the air. Fall foliage. Tiny and varied assortments of baby squashes at the greenmarket. Hot apple cider. Scarves. Lower electricity bills. Soup for dinner. The harvest moon. Halloween (though seeing Halloween candy and costumes in September makes me melancholy). Dry skin (because my skin is usually oily).

For the record, how I hate the signs of fall. Cold rain. Short daylight hours. The countdown of shopping days left until Christmas. Halloween (I miss my 2 best friends during this time). The impending arrival of winter. Having to wear warm socks and closed toed shoes constantly.

liza mannelli...with club sauce

I miss this show.

la costra cupcake

As you know ipj, isaac, shanel and I are having a cupcake-off at work. And for those of you that don't know, click here and shame on you. Anyway...I was reading Gothamist and found out about Magnolia bakery opening a new outlet in the UWS. Well, a link in that article led me to this.

Apparently there is a cupcake war being waged in this town. And it's being compared to the mafia. Don't believe me? Read the article. It's hysterical. Especially the part where the owner of Buttercup Bake Shop (who is the former co-founder of Magnolia) said "if baking in Manhattan were the drug trade, then cupcakes would be crack cocaine." Yeah,... as if crack cocaine went straight to your hips!

Otherwise, who knew that the four of us would find ourselves in the middle of a turf war. Jonesing for ice(ing) week after week, never getting the same (sugar) rush that we did the first time. I know that there is a history of substance addiction in my family, but who knew that my drug of choice would be cupcakes? Doesn't matter, since I'm in denial that I have a problem in the first place.

happy thoughts topped with an inch of frosting

Something that makes me, and hopefully will make all of you, happy... check out this post by IPJ . "Yummy, yummy, yummy I've got love in my tummy"

"dr fine, dr howard, dr fine" or "how to get to know every ob-gyn in all 5 boroughs"

I just spent more time than needed to confirm an appointment, change said appointment, and renew a prescription only to find that the doctor that I was scheduled to see can't see me. Let me elaborate...

Okay, let me admit up front that I have become one of those snobby New Yorkers who rarely goes beyond a self imposed set of geographic boundaries. I live in Astoria, work in Times Square and go to school in the Upper East Side. With the exception of an occasional 'other event' I never go outside of these 3 neighborhoods. For years I've been seeing a series of doctors with in the same practice (who have all been great, btw) mainly because the office I go to is located 5 doors away from a subway entrance on my train line.

Earlier this year, my latest doctor left the practice for the sunshine and warmth of Alaska. !?! I was not offered another doctor to see because none of the other doctors in the practice took my insurance. Months pass. I couldn't put it off any longer, plus my job changed insurance carriers. So, I got an appointment with the nurse-practitioner at the location that I love. All set, right? Ah-ha, you would think. This morning I get a call confirming my appointment for this Friday at a Fort Washington location. Due to my snobbery, I never travel above 70th Street. So I call back to get an appointment with a doctor who goes to my location. Appointment booked. 2 minutes later, I talk another person to renew my prescription, and she tells me that the doctor I have the new appointment with doesn't see patients for annual checkups. FUCK!!!!!! So that had to be straightened out with the secretary who booked my appointment. After a referral and a call I finally got a doctor in another practice who takes my insurance, attends my location and who can see me before the year's end. Whew. If this ever happens to me again, I'm just going to go crazy and start to give myself pap smears. At least I know I can take my own insurance.

it's a new day

Today is the day that my creativity, desire, and drive came back to me. Mind you, this may all change by tomorrow, but today I'm going with the feeling. This morning I was putting the final touches on a summary paper due for a class, and as always I was distracted by a recent posting on ipj's blog. At that moment I wanted to share more of my experiences related to his posting. Thus, a blogger is born.

I've been posting comments on friends blogs for some time. I frequently feel like an outsider to a group that I know I'm a part of, posting witty quips here and there. Well, today I decided that I'm going to stop being just the observer-commenter and start posting my own damn thoughts and experiences. I am very inspired by some dear blogger-friends and I hope that your great posts keep me going.

I frequently feel creative spurts of inspiration but lately I haven't had much fuel in the tank. I need to be more disciplined and I hope that by writing this blog I will develop a good habit (as opposed to my bad habits, like starting to write a paper 10 hours before it's due).

So, here's to a new start.