the happiest place on earth

That's right kiddies, I'm talking about the place that just gets better and better every time I go there... the OB-GYN office! YAY!!! Wanna hear the latest?

So, today was my 3rd visit to this particular doctor since November. While it's not that unusual to me for me to know that office inside and out (I used to take Depo shots ever 3 months for years), my last 2 visits were follow-ups. I was calm as (what's a good simile here?) a whatever, I guess. Well, you know how it goes. 2pm appointment means that you have to kill 10 minutes filling out new paperwork, even though you've been a patient since 1948, and then you have to wait 30 minutes for them to tell you that they are 45 minutes backed up. Backed up for what? The only excusable reason would be because someone's vagina exploded. Even then, I may not forgive the back up. Oh, also, out of 5 patient rooms the only room you can go into, because of the specialized equipment that will be used on you, they just put another patient in there, and they don't know how long you'll have to wait for that room. Finally, at 3:15 I was allowed into the room with the specialized equipment... which had to be wheeled in from the storage closet. Fuck!

There's nothing like being in a doctor's examination room alone with your thoughts. I easily had 10 minutes to kill while waiting for my gyno. I counted 8, or was it 9, speculums on the table, 5 trays of plastic tubes used to collect samples, 1 Georgia O'Keeffe print (tasteless in this setting, think about it), and 2 garbage cans, one marked "for paper only" and the other "hazardous materials." I wondered if that's where they put the exploding vagina. That made me laugh. Any easing of tension and stress is good.

Nurse came in. "When was your last period?" Who the fuck keeps track of that at a time like this? Of course I left my date book at work. So, I counted the empty slots in my birth control pill packet to give her a rough estimate. I went to the bathroom to change into that stupid hospital gown they give you. I quickly discovered that I had to change the answer I gave to the nurse about my period.

Finally, after an explanation of the procedure the doctor was going to perform on me, I slide my feet into the stirrups with no difficulty and began my yoga breathing to calm myself down.

My god. It feels like all 8 or 9 speculums were used on me at the same time. Ouch.